NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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