just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
