you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
