She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
