when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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