just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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