update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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