peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
