I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
