I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
