Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
