so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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