please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
