chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
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Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
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Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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