The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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