I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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