I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
