u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
