woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
