my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
