he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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