why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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