i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
