just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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