Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
