mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
