I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Randomize
