I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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