I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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