What a fucking waste of an outfit
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
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