ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Randomize
