i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
