Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
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