If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
