how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
