Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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