i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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