I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
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