This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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