Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
