just survived the first fart of the relationship.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
