Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
