I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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