put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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