Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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