i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
