Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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