my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
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