I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
