I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
