nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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