to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
