so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
