i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
