eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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