I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
