I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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