I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
